So i did a bunch of 'writer's block'...s... because i was having some of that. i'm in the UCC library, and I have about an hour until my class starts, so i'm hanging out here, on livejournal, trying to make my brain work, so i'll be prepared for psych class.

BUT i went to dunkin donuts after dropping my sister off for her 8:30 class, and on my way back, i had a pretty amazing experience.

and by amazing, i mean absolutely ridiculous.

so, i was walking to the school, and came to where the garbage cans/recycling bins are, and i took the straw out of my drink & threw it away, and then put my empty cup in the recycling bin, because... well, it was plastic. meanwhile, some guy walks up and throws his empty juice bottle into the garbage can. me, being the idiot that i am, can't just keep my mouth shut

"are you serious??"

was the only thing i could get out, and the guy turned and looked at me as i stared at him.

"What?" he said. obviously perturbed that i had disrupted his walk to class and destruction of the earth.

"recycling bin is 5 inches away. that's plastic. i don't think it's that difficult."

we stared at each other, and seeing that he wasn't going to do anything, i took the bottle off the top of the garbage can, and put it in the recycling bin. at that point, i think he tried to insult me, but did it by calling me an

"eco-conscious hippie freak"

ouch.

"a. since when is that a bad thing? and b. fine, but i like polar bears and penguins very much thank you!" and made my way to the library. leaving a confused person in my wake.

he might still be standing there.


but enough about my misadventures in recycling. let's move on. well i had a ridiculous migraine yesterday, and my head is still bugging me today, though it's not as bad. it's this stupid weather. that's sunny one minute, and then is absolutely pouring the next. make up your freaking mind! and it's warm, which is good, but not when mixed with storming. i'm not a fan of heat lightning.

but camp in 2 weeks and 3 days! for me at least. i'm going out early so i get to experience camp fireworks first hand. they're illegal in NJ unless you have a license, so i've never been up close and personal with the fireworks. in retrospect, this might have been a good thing. i'm not sure mixing rachel & fireworks will necessarily be a positive experience haha.

and i'm finally getting past the horrible bout of writer's block that i've been having for, oh, about 8 months now. i had this kind of rehashing of the Syracuse thing with brian the other night, and since then, i've felt like there's something lifted from me. i guess i just needed to get it out there one more time. to someone who i knew wouldn't judge me about it. there are still people who ask me "what happened?" but i don't think i'm always honest with them, because they don't really get it.

some people do.

some just think i'm crazy.

they don't understand that i wasn't happy. that i didnt' like where i was going. that i was doing everything to satisfy someone else's expectations and not my own. and i felt like my family would be anything but accepting of that at first. but it turns out i was wrong. it was gonna be okay.

last night, we were watching the Tony Awards. and during the performance of "Cry Baby", my sister johannah turned to her almost 1 year old daughter and said "that's gonna be your aunt rachel some day! dancing at radio city for her Tony!"

and i think that was the first time that i realized that it was okay. i didn't have to do anything else for it to be better, it already was. they accepted the unconventional path i was going to be headed on. so what if it wasn't a sure thing? they see that there's passion behind it, and that can drive me where i want to do. price of gas be damned!

okay, enough blathering about the sentimentality of that.

sentimentality... is that a word? i'm not on my computer that has the automatic spell check built into everything, so i have no idea. darn you cheap school computers! if it's not a word, it is now. use it at will.

but back to the writer's block i've broken from.

i realized that what i had started to write wasn't going anywhere at this point. so i've put it on a shelf for now. and i've finally started to do what i should have been doing all along. i've always had this ridiculously vivid imagination. i suppose it probably got me into trouble a lot when i was younger, but i figure it was also why i was good at spatial reasoning.

ugh, math.

so anyway, when i'm laying in bed at night, attempting to sleep, my mind is always racing with these scenarios. i close my eyes, and i can see them in great detail, and things play out before my eyes. so, why not write it down? the words were always just out of my grasp, and would slip away before i could get them down. but last night, they went onto paper. i was able to transcribe all the words that had been alluding me for months. and i went to sleep with a clear mind. of course, they'll need touching up, because i tried to get the gist of what was going on in my mind down before it left me. and i can add in the details later.

and i slept so peacefully last night without those thoughts racing around in them.

problem with when i write is that things don't come to me in chronological order. i can tell you that what i wrote last night would be near the turning action of the book. nowhere near beginning or end, but somewhere in the middle. that's why i could never post things on quizilla or things like that. i know what comes before what i wrote last night, but it's in my head, and i haven't quite got that part unlocked yet.

soon though

i'm just glad that i'm getting back to being me again. things have been rough since september, and i feel like i'm waking up from being asleep for a long time.

i was cleaning my room, because i'm getting ready to paint it and all that jazz (meaning re-organizing everything. and also purging my life.) so i'm kind of starting fresh. i was going through the drawers under my desk, and found all the old notebooks that i wrote in from middle school through high school. sure, looking at it now, the stuff seems kind of amateur-ish, but i won't ever get rid of them. they were things i went through, and words that got me through rough times.

i feel like i was going through detox for the past 8 months. getting rid of the toxic elements of my personality that had been weighing me down. and i've gone through recovery. and i'm back, and better. because i'm doing things for me for once. not because someone wants me to. and i think the more someone tells me i can't. the more i want to.

take my other sister for example, amanda. whereas everyone else is being supportive about me auditioning to be a musical theatre major, she's anything but.

"so you have a backup plan, right? for when you don't get in?"

she's ready for me to fail. and i used to let that get to me. i would have let it bring me down until i only listened to that one negative thing, and convinced myself that i couldn't do it. but i'm igoring her now. i've pretty much figured out how she works,

see, amanda was the first one who was involved in the on-stage aspect of theatre when she was in high school (my brother, ben, built sets), so she kind of felt entitled to that being "her thing". she always said she was going to audition to be a major, but that didn't happen. so then she settled on becoming a musical theatre minor (they have that program at her school). she never did that either.

so i'm figuring that since she never got that opportunity, she doesn't think i should have it. but, i'm not letting the seed of doubt into my head at all. i'm sick of her crap about all of this, and i told my mom that last night. my dreams are different than my sisters though. i feel like she wouldn't be in it for the same pure joy of performing that i'm in it for. i can't even explain the rush that i experience when i'm out there. in the moments before, i feel like i'm going to cry and throw up because i'm so nervous, but the moment i step onto the stage, i become a different person.

i'm not rachel anymore. i'm hope. or i'm vera. or i'm dorothy. and i'm in a different world. and all the insecurities that i have about myself fade away. because i'm not me. for those few hours there is no rachel. just this character who wants you to know her story.

and the adrenaline rush i get is insane. i can be drop dead tired, but when i step out on the stage, i'm wide awake. i can be at practice for 8 hours, and be fine until i leave that theatre. it's pure joy for me.

i don't know what it is for her. glamorous? i feel like that's what it would be. she's superficial like that. i used acting as almost a defense mechanism. the world just goes away during that time.

my high school drama teacher worked with someone (professionally) once whose father died in a car accident on a performance night. she knew. she still went out, and she gave the performance of her life.

it's things like that that make me know i'm not alone. and that this is for me. and screw what anyone else thinks.

my dreams. my life. my decision

well, i think i've rambled quite enough for now. this was a bit of insanity i know, but i'm still a little medicated from last night, and yesterday's migraine. i still have some time to kill before class, but i have some notes to rewrite. so i'll be doing that!