know how sometimes you can go from feeling so optimistic to absolutely depressed?

like right now.

i was feeling so optimistic about the new year and hoping that things would be different.

but that was all just destroyed.

my sister went out tonight with some of her friends from college to celebrate her birthday... and my brother, ben, and brother-in-law, joe went to pick her up in hoboken at around 12:30. Well, apparently they went out drinking themselves. When I called Ben at around 2:20, Ben said that they had picked up Amanda and were going to be leaving soon.

When it hit 3 AM, and they weren't home, I called again, since I hadn't heard anything. Ben then told me that they were just picking up Amanda and were going to be leaving. And that both he & Joe had had something to drink. I'm of course freaking out, because I know they shouldn't be driving, but they're going to anyway.

They wound up getting home safe. Thankful for that of course, but then everything went to hell.

I was pissed about the fact that Ben said they were leaving when they really hadn't, and about the fact that Joe drove even after he had been drinking. And I was vocal about it. And I said something to Joe. And we talked a bit, and he made some comment about when one of my other sisters was drunk, and something that happened. And her husband (you know, the one that wants a divorce) was in the bathroom brushing his teeth.

So he comes in and says something to Joe about not talking about Johannah like that.

Well then it turned into confrontation. They started going back and forth about how Joe needed to stop drinking, and then something about Adam needing to take responsibility for everything.

It was bad.

I eventually told them both to just stop talking. They kept arguing. I stood up between them, and told them to stop it and just let it be. Of course that didn't happen. And they kept going. And at one point, Joe got up like he was going to get physical with Adam, and I was between them, so I pushed him back.

Then my dad came downstairs.

And it got even worse. There was lots of yelling, and telling Joe that he needed to grow up with the whole drinking thing. And he should know better than to get in the car after drinking. Especially with other people in the car.

And of course Adam was being self-righteous at this point and talking about how he doesn't do that because there's alcoholism in his family. And my dad went off on him a bit about how he has a lot of growing up to do. Especially with what he's doing to my sister and niece and just this family in general.

Either way, at one point I was finally allowed to talk. And I just freaked about how I'm tired of playing parent to my older siblings and older members of this family. And how everyone needs to grow the freak up and start taking responsibility for their actions. In every sense.

It just kept going and going. Joe was "accomodating" as my mom said, and agreed with the things my father said. Not that it'll necessarily change anything.

Adam on the other hand just kept arguing and wouldn't back down from his ego. He walked away from my father at one point when my dad was talking to him. And then said "I don't walk away from things"

Really?

Your wife

Your daughter

Your job

This argument

just to name a few. he also had the gall to make it seem as though I was a bad sister because I didn't defend Johannah right away. Problem: He was in the bathroom and couldn't see my expression. I was going to say something, when he came in the room and started on Joe.

So yeah.

It was a pretty awful night. Right now I'm sitting on the couch with my mom. I was sobbing for a good 30 minutes. Horrible.

Not a good sign when a 19 year old feels like she's more mature at handling things than people in their late 20's through mid-30's.

I don't know how much more of all of this I can take. It's getting to the point where no one wants to deal with it. We've all been walking on eggshells around Adam, and this is pretty much where it broke for me. And I just got fed up with Joe and how reckless he can be.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep tonight, but I'm going to make an attempt. I just want it all to stop now. Or I'm going to to absolutely insane.

Experiencing firsthand the effects of divorce is awful... And it almost makes me want to not get married so there's never a chance I'll get divorced.

This night in one word?:

awful.

so my iPod is on shuffle and "Take Me or Leave Me" from Rent was the first thing that came up... but the album art? yeah, it was the cover of the original cast recording of "Grease". and when "You're the Top" from 'Anything Goes' started, the album art was from "Harlem Song"... i'll have to handle this problem when i get home hah.

so i think that concepts of adult wellness is pretty much over for me. we had our last real class today. thursday is the second test on chapters 5-9. and then next tuesday is the final. he gives it the last day of class instead of making us come in on the 3rd. yay!

i need to find out today how my psych professor does his finals. because we haven't had tests, just papers. so hopefully, he doesn't randomly spring a test up at the end.

that would suck

so last night on legally blonde, the two girls that annoyed me the most got eliminated... yay! hah meaning cassie s. is gone... and celina (who had a man voice). celina is a good singer & actress, but she was wrong for the part, so i'm glad they sent her home. next week is supposed to be good. they have to decide as a group who is the worst singer...actress...dancer.. that kind of stuff.. and apparently, they tell one of the girls she should take a dance class.

sweet, sweet drama.

hah

stacey & i are already figuring out how we're gonna watch episodes while we're working. it will probably involve free time trips to the computer to watch their performances on tuesdays or something. or watching a repeat on the weekend or something hah.

the double elimination twist was absolutely amazing though hah. i didn't get to see the full episode because i was watching gilmore girls with my sister, but i caught the last 10 minutes.

ugh, so psych class next. i hope that we talk about something interesting today. i was almost falling asleep yesterday, because he was giving us a bio of another psychologist. and i have a bad feeling that our paper this weekend will have to do with her.

on a higher note though, i'm hanging out with kasia today! woooo! i'm driving down to south river, and we're gonna go see Prince Caspian & grab some foodage. sweet hah. i haven't seen her since we hung out for our birthdays in January. so it's been awhile hah.

AND Tash & the kids are coming today (they're also bringing home Ben, but that's no cause for celebration.) (KIDDING!) but yeah, Gillian's 1st birthday is tomorrow, and Sarah's baby shower is on Saturday, so they're coming for that. Hopefully I can get stuff done in my room during the week though, since I'm gonna have to have my room back together so I can start packing. I need to make a list by the way.

someone remind me about that.

so i have to make Gillian's birthday cake tomorrow (since that's my job in the house). it'll either be completely amazing, or completely disasterous. I'm much more confident about the cake I'm making for Sarah's shower. Gillian loves Moose & Zee on Noggin, so I'm making a rectangular cake & just putting them on it (but i'm horrible at drawing haha)

as for Sarah's cake, i'm making a rectangular cake & carving the middle of it, and then putting a 3D duck cake in the middle, so it looks like a rubber duck in a bathtub. hah, i'm ridiculous i know.

so no class tomorrow. that's a definite up. hopefully i won't have to give up my room to visitors. i think that tash & the kids are sleeping in the family room. besides my stuff is all over the place since i have it in baskets in the living room. i don't know if my dreams of getting it painted before i go to camp are going to be realized. because i have to figure some way to get a straight line all the way across my room. i'm hoping Joe has a chalk line still so I don't have to assume that my line is straight. because knowing me it won't be.

oh yeah, & how did that leaving without amanda if she's not ready by 7:32 thing work out, you may ask?

well she "had a migraine" this morning, so she didn't even go to class. i came downstairs and she was coming out of the bathroom with her sleep mask still on her head whining to my mom about something.

whatever.

i was on time, so i was happy.

the thing that makes me angry is that amanda & i both missed class the first day (tuesday after the BT), and my mom gave me this "you need to get your act together with school" talk. I was like

"uhm, hi, i have a 3.9 this semester, and a 3.87 overall, i think i'm okay. i was tired from driving 6 hours yesterday, it'll be okay."

meanwhile, my sister did not get this lecture. does this mean my mom just doesn't care anymore? i highly doubt that. but since that first day i haven't missed a class. amanda has. and has been late alot. and complains all the time about having to get up in the morning. even though i wake up on Mondays to get her to class at 8:30 (even though mine doesn't start until 10:40) and on Wednesday to get her to class at 8:30 (even though i don't have any classes that day). And on Tuesdays & Thursdays, she has to wake up to leave a half hour earlier, and then i wait in the commons an extra 30 minutes after my class is over waiting for her to get out of Lab.

it's just such a hassle for her to be a productive member of society or something.

maybe it's the fashion major thing.

okay, i guess that's kinda wrong, it's just the amanda thing. and it baffles me. ugh. i still hold that we're not really related & that my mom took the wrong baby at the hospital. (i look too much like my sister sarah & like my grandmother when she was young to claim that i was adopted, but amanda always talks about how she doesn't look like the rest of us quite as much, so i hold that she's a changeling or something.)

a girl can dream, can't she?

maybe that's where her princess complex comes from. she's really supposed to belong to some rich family, & has an inborn sense that she should get whatever she wants no matter who she hurts in the process or how much of other people's money she sucks up.

oh no, i'm ranting again.

whatever.

well, i'm gonna make my way upstairs now. for the fun of the psychology of personality! i think i'm glad i took this as a summer class, because i might have died trying to take it for a full semester in the fall or something.

i'd like to be back in the car now belting out showtunes.

can you say geek?

so i went to see 'Curtains' tonight with my friend amanda (not to be confused with my sister... this amanda will be referred to as mandah... she is asian. and goes to MIT. my sister? she's not and she doesn't.)

anyway. in a singular word it was AMAZING.

i absolutely love david hyde pierce... if he weren't gay, i'd say i was going to marry him. but i'm not a man, so obviously not hah. but he was amazing. when i saw 'Spamalot' he had already left the show. and I'm glad i got to see 'Curtains' because it closes in, oh 10 days. They didn't change any of the cast since opening night, so that made me happy.

on a disappointing note though, debra monk wasn't there. that thoroughly upset me. because she's fan-frickin'-tastic. no lie. i was really looking forward to seeing her, but alas, she wasn't in.

but karen ziemba? amazing. she's my new theatre love. she played georgia hendricks, and i thought she was amazing. she's got a fantastic voice, and her dancing was just as amazing. especially considering that she's 50 years old and could still kick her leg above her head.

awesome.

i hope i'm that hardcore when i'm 50 hah.

we took the train in... and then a subway to get to the theatre, so it was the basic city visit. we didn't walk up to 45th street because we wanted to make sure we got there on time to get tickets. to make the night even better, mandah goes up to the window and says

"give us two of your cheapest seats for the night!!"

the guy did... he gave us promo tix. aka we paid $60 a piece for tix that would usually cost about $120. front mezzanine baby. i guess it pays to have a younger guy selling you tickets when you're two teenage girls hahah. so we had awesome seats.

and then on the train ride home, we had a conversation about my major change. and mandah is thoroughly excited that i'm auditioning for a musical theatre major... this is why i love hanging out with friends that i've done music/theatre stuff with, because i feel like they're supportive. and having it come from her (who was an all-state member, and regions, and is a ridiculous dancer, and all that jazz) made it all the more real in my mind that i might be able to get into a school. being out in the city with a friend made me totally forget the crappiness that goes on at home sometimes.

after telling her the only school i knew for certain i was applying to at this time was Montclair she told me that I should still apply to NYU, BU, BoCo, and Carnegie, even though i don't think i have a chance in hell in getting in. then i got yelled at for having bad self-esteem. hah.

so i'm hoping that Ms. Toll gets back to me soon about my audition things. if not, i'm thinking about asking Marguerite (a woman from my church that's a music teacher and directs musicals & does community theatre) to see if there are somethings she can suggest i do while i'm at camp to keep my voice in good condition, or even if i can do a few vocal coaching sessions with her. i'm pretty much willing to do anything right now, because my biggest fear is that i've lost control over my voice. (which i'm told is crazy to think since i sing all the time, even if it's not as structured as being in a musical.) but still, that fear is still always there. and i'm looking into dance studios in the area to see if any of them offer dance classes for people my age who aren't really trained. i'd take ballet, because i'm pretty good in the tap area, but i'm gonna need to build up my flexibility (gotta get back to doing pilates) and my stamina. aka singing while on the stationary bike again. hah. people at the UCC gym must think i'm nuts.

so yeah, the show was Uh-Mazing. i'm pretty sure everytime i see a show, my love gets renewed. when the overture was playing and the curtain hadn't raised yet, i was completely imagining what it must have been like to be backstage at that point. i miss the rush. and i can't wait to start studying, so i can be the best i can be, and then perform for the rest of my life. maybe one day it'll be me on that stage.

i know, overly hopeful.

but it's a big contrast to how i usually see myself.

i'm usually pretty downtrodden and dejected about this kind of stuff, and think i won't be able to do it. i'm glad my optimistic side is kicking in. i think it has a lot to do with the idea that i've decided to ignore my sister.

she made me late for class AGAIN this morning. we have to leave by 7:30 for me to have enough time to get there, park, and then walk across campus to where my class is. i told her that next week if she isn't out at the car by 7:32, i'm leaving without her. then she starts going off on how it really isn't a big deal if i'm a few minutes late, because it's usually a review anyway. even after telling her that he doesn't review at the beginning of class, and we just go right into the lecture, and that it's a big deal to me, because i don't like being late, she refused to see my point.

to make it better?

my mom was sitting at the table through the whole conversation

including my sister telling me i was overreacting about being late:

amanda: it's really not a big deal. you're a few minutes late, whatever.

me: you may not care, but i do.

amanda: oh wow, real nice. right, i don't care about school.

me: that's not what i said. i care about being on time. you don't care about me being on time. so if you're not in the car by 7:32 i'm leaving. you make the choice.

then she started bitching about how i was being mean to her because she couldn't drive. and she was late for class sometimes and she didn't complain. i told her it was because it was her own fault when she was late for her class. i drop her off right in front of her lecture hall. i can't do that for myself. i have to park and walk through the commons, nomahegan hall, and up three flights of stairs to the library classrooms. she just doesn't give a crap about anyone other than herself.

she eventually stomped off after i somehow "insulted her integrity" by telling her she didn't care about school. (which i didn't.) i really wanted to say "yeah, if you really cared that much, you wouldn't have dropped chem last semester at Montclair. and you would have graduated by now. and maybe you'd have a job. and would already have an internship set up for the fall."

but i knew that would just get me in trouble.

but for once, my mom actually supported me. usually she just stays out of arguments between me and amanda, because they can get ugly. but i stayed calm, because i knew i was in the right, and there was no way that she could make me into the bad guy. and despite her best efforts, i was happy with the way it turned out. i got my sister pissed off because she realized it was an argument she couldn't win.

score one point for rachel.


so tomorrow i'm headed to binghamton. i'm driving with my brother, ben, and my brother-in-law, adam. should be fun. there's a possibility that i'm going to have to take amanda too, but she's getting dropped off at my sister sarah's house in east stroudsburg. so it's not like i have to deal with her all weekend haha. but anyway, we're babysitting for my 2 nieces & nephew while my oldest sister tasha & her husband jason go to a wedding. and their relay for life is tomorrow!

i'm especially excited about that part.

especially since it rained during ours, so we didn't even get to go.

i told adam that i'd be nice in the car and i wouldn't put on any musical soundtracks. i figure i'll just play maroon 5 & jimmy eat world. i know he likes jimmy eat world, and if he doesn't like maroon 5, then whatever. i love them, so he'll just have to suck it up. hah

while i'm there, i have to write a paper on what i learned about schizophrenia, presented from the standpoint of Carl Jung.

fun.

and i have to read chapters for my concepts of adult wellness class. but that won't be difficult. just reading, highlighting, and answering the critical thinking questions. and writing down the answers to the multiple choice questions at the end of the chapter. the answers are in the back of the book. sweet.

but yeah, i just love musicals so much that it completely erased from my mind that i loathe my sister. she apparently "didn't know" i was going into the city tonight. even though she definetly knew hah. because when i told her i was going into the city to see 'Curtains' she got all pissy that i was going with a friend and she wasn't invited. i wanted to be like.

"uhh, yeah, because you have $60.

which i'm pretty sure she doesn't by the way.

so yes, my night was fabulous. and i'm looking forward to a fabulous weekend. spent with hannah, grace, & jake. and the relay for life tomorrow. and no amanda for the weekend. and maybe i'll get some more writing done. and i'm seeing a possibility of pizza in my future. and camp just keeps getting closer. and the fact that my dreams of musical theatre as a career keep getting closer makes me feel even more amazing.

i love it.

i actually have a blister on my pinky finger from writing so much lately.

weird, i know, but i guess it's the way that i lean my hand against the paper. i just know that taking notes in my psych class at 10:40 is gonna be a pain. but then i'm going to the UCC gym and i'm gonna stationary bike it up for a bit. a half an hour probably.

i don't even know if amanda made it to class this AM or not. she sends me a freaking text message at 7:25 this morning, telling me that she's still not feeling good, can i ask dad if he can take her later? let's play the "what's wrong with this situation?" game!

1) my dad has a life. contrary to her belief, not everyone in the house is there to tend to her every need. my dad does have things that he needs to get done. and especially since adam is home to watch the baby now, he can actually get things done. things that aren't drive amanda to school. especially with the price of gas being so high, and the fact that he doesn't need to be doing that for her, when i'm already going to school. i got about 3 hours of sleep, but i still got up to take a test this morning.

2) she had a midterm this morning. yeah, she had a midterm in chem last night, and she was watching episodes of Daria last night when i went to remind her about my 8 AM class, and she said she had already studied. so she wasn't up all night doing that. so that's another reason i hope she got her butt here. i'm not sure her chem professor would let her make up a MIDTERM

3) she would have already had to have been up. if you know my sister, you know how long it takes her to get ready. if she was going to her 8:30 AM class, she has to leave the house by 8AM. Meaning she'd have to be up around 7AM, 7:30 AM at the latest. so she would already had to have been awake to get to her class on time.

4) you have legs! okay, so her room is down the hallway, she couldn't walk and tell me that she was running late? she couldn't walk down the stairs and tell my dad that she thought she was going to be late and he would have to take her? no, she sends a text message, so she doesn't have to deal with the issues. instead my dad gives me a lecture about how we don't need to be wasting gas and putting extra miles on the car. he ended it by saying "i know it's not your fault. sorry." i ended up being late for class. but we had a test, and i finished in about 20 minutes, since it was multiple choice and open book. but still.

she just sucks.

this is why i can't wait for camp. no amanda for a month. she actually said that she might volunteer for a week at camp, and i said no. not even thinking, automatic reaction. then i had to play it off like i was kidding. but i really don't want her to be there, because i know that she'll try her best to make my life a living hell. it's the amanda way. make all those around you miserable so that you feel better about yourself. she decided that we should be "workout buddies" aka, remind each other to exercise... and i do remind her, and i exercise on my own, because she never does. and then gets pissed that i've exercised and she hasn't. oh well, suck it up.

gotta walk up three flights of stairs to the library now for my psych class.

yeah, i take the stairs, not the elevator. that's one reason i've always been skinner than you amanda. not because i have an eating disorder, i'm just physically active as opposed to being more sedentary.

i'm sick of her. make her go away.

So i did a bunch of 'writer's block'...s... because i was having some of that. i'm in the UCC library, and I have about an hour until my class starts, so i'm hanging out here, on livejournal, trying to make my brain work, so i'll be prepared for psych class.

BUT i went to dunkin donuts after dropping my sister off for her 8:30 class, and on my way back, i had a pretty amazing experience.

and by amazing, i mean absolutely ridiculous.

so, i was walking to the school, and came to where the garbage cans/recycling bins are, and i took the straw out of my drink & threw it away, and then put my empty cup in the recycling bin, because... well, it was plastic. meanwhile, some guy walks up and throws his empty juice bottle into the garbage can. me, being the idiot that i am, can't just keep my mouth shut

"are you serious??"

was the only thing i could get out, and the guy turned and looked at me as i stared at him.

"What?" he said. obviously perturbed that i had disrupted his walk to class and destruction of the earth.

"recycling bin is 5 inches away. that's plastic. i don't think it's that difficult."

we stared at each other, and seeing that he wasn't going to do anything, i took the bottle off the top of the garbage can, and put it in the recycling bin. at that point, i think he tried to insult me, but did it by calling me an

"eco-conscious hippie freak"

ouch.

"a. since when is that a bad thing? and b. fine, but i like polar bears and penguins very much thank you!" and made my way to the library. leaving a confused person in my wake.

he might still be standing there.


but enough about my misadventures in recycling. let's move on. well i had a ridiculous migraine yesterday, and my head is still bugging me today, though it's not as bad. it's this stupid weather. that's sunny one minute, and then is absolutely pouring the next. make up your freaking mind! and it's warm, which is good, but not when mixed with storming. i'm not a fan of heat lightning.

but camp in 2 weeks and 3 days! for me at least. i'm going out early so i get to experience camp fireworks first hand. they're illegal in NJ unless you have a license, so i've never been up close and personal with the fireworks. in retrospect, this might have been a good thing. i'm not sure mixing rachel & fireworks will necessarily be a positive experience haha.

and i'm finally getting past the horrible bout of writer's block that i've been having for, oh, about 8 months now. i had this kind of rehashing of the Syracuse thing with brian the other night, and since then, i've felt like there's something lifted from me. i guess i just needed to get it out there one more time. to someone who i knew wouldn't judge me about it. there are still people who ask me "what happened?" but i don't think i'm always honest with them, because they don't really get it.

some people do.

some just think i'm crazy.

they don't understand that i wasn't happy. that i didnt' like where i was going. that i was doing everything to satisfy someone else's expectations and not my own. and i felt like my family would be anything but accepting of that at first. but it turns out i was wrong. it was gonna be okay.

last night, we were watching the Tony Awards. and during the performance of "Cry Baby", my sister johannah turned to her almost 1 year old daughter and said "that's gonna be your aunt rachel some day! dancing at radio city for her Tony!"

and i think that was the first time that i realized that it was okay. i didn't have to do anything else for it to be better, it already was. they accepted the unconventional path i was going to be headed on. so what if it wasn't a sure thing? they see that there's passion behind it, and that can drive me where i want to do. price of gas be damned!

okay, enough blathering about the sentimentality of that.

sentimentality... is that a word? i'm not on my computer that has the automatic spell check built into everything, so i have no idea. darn you cheap school computers! if it's not a word, it is now. use it at will.

but back to the writer's block i've broken from.

i realized that what i had started to write wasn't going anywhere at this point. so i've put it on a shelf for now. and i've finally started to do what i should have been doing all along. i've always had this ridiculously vivid imagination. i suppose it probably got me into trouble a lot when i was younger, but i figure it was also why i was good at spatial reasoning.

ugh, math.

so anyway, when i'm laying in bed at night, attempting to sleep, my mind is always racing with these scenarios. i close my eyes, and i can see them in great detail, and things play out before my eyes. so, why not write it down? the words were always just out of my grasp, and would slip away before i could get them down. but last night, they went onto paper. i was able to transcribe all the words that had been alluding me for months. and i went to sleep with a clear mind. of course, they'll need touching up, because i tried to get the gist of what was going on in my mind down before it left me. and i can add in the details later.

and i slept so peacefully last night without those thoughts racing around in them.

problem with when i write is that things don't come to me in chronological order. i can tell you that what i wrote last night would be near the turning action of the book. nowhere near beginning or end, but somewhere in the middle. that's why i could never post things on quizilla or things like that. i know what comes before what i wrote last night, but it's in my head, and i haven't quite got that part unlocked yet.

soon though

i'm just glad that i'm getting back to being me again. things have been rough since september, and i feel like i'm waking up from being asleep for a long time.

i was cleaning my room, because i'm getting ready to paint it and all that jazz (meaning re-organizing everything. and also purging my life.) so i'm kind of starting fresh. i was going through the drawers under my desk, and found all the old notebooks that i wrote in from middle school through high school. sure, looking at it now, the stuff seems kind of amateur-ish, but i won't ever get rid of them. they were things i went through, and words that got me through rough times.

i feel like i was going through detox for the past 8 months. getting rid of the toxic elements of my personality that had been weighing me down. and i've gone through recovery. and i'm back, and better. because i'm doing things for me for once. not because someone wants me to. and i think the more someone tells me i can't. the more i want to.

take my other sister for example, amanda. whereas everyone else is being supportive about me auditioning to be a musical theatre major, she's anything but.

"so you have a backup plan, right? for when you don't get in?"

she's ready for me to fail. and i used to let that get to me. i would have let it bring me down until i only listened to that one negative thing, and convinced myself that i couldn't do it. but i'm igoring her now. i've pretty much figured out how she works,

see, amanda was the first one who was involved in the on-stage aspect of theatre when she was in high school (my brother, ben, built sets), so she kind of felt entitled to that being "her thing". she always said she was going to audition to be a major, but that didn't happen. so then she settled on becoming a musical theatre minor (they have that program at her school). she never did that either.

so i'm figuring that since she never got that opportunity, she doesn't think i should have it. but, i'm not letting the seed of doubt into my head at all. i'm sick of her crap about all of this, and i told my mom that last night. my dreams are different than my sisters though. i feel like she wouldn't be in it for the same pure joy of performing that i'm in it for. i can't even explain the rush that i experience when i'm out there. in the moments before, i feel like i'm going to cry and throw up because i'm so nervous, but the moment i step onto the stage, i become a different person.

i'm not rachel anymore. i'm hope. or i'm vera. or i'm dorothy. and i'm in a different world. and all the insecurities that i have about myself fade away. because i'm not me. for those few hours there is no rachel. just this character who wants you to know her story.

and the adrenaline rush i get is insane. i can be drop dead tired, but when i step out on the stage, i'm wide awake. i can be at practice for 8 hours, and be fine until i leave that theatre. it's pure joy for me.

i don't know what it is for her. glamorous? i feel like that's what it would be. she's superficial like that. i used acting as almost a defense mechanism. the world just goes away during that time.

my high school drama teacher worked with someone (professionally) once whose father died in a car accident on a performance night. she knew. she still went out, and she gave the performance of her life.

it's things like that that make me know i'm not alone. and that this is for me. and screw what anyone else thinks.

my dreams. my life. my decision

well, i think i've rambled quite enough for now. this was a bit of insanity i know, but i'm still a little medicated from last night, and yesterday's migraine. i still have some time to kill before class, but i have some notes to rewrite. so i'll be doing that!