know how sometimes you can go from feeling so optimistic to absolutely depressed?

like right now.

i was feeling so optimistic about the new year and hoping that things would be different.

but that was all just destroyed.

my sister went out tonight with some of her friends from college to celebrate her birthday... and my brother, ben, and brother-in-law, joe went to pick her up in hoboken at around 12:30. Well, apparently they went out drinking themselves. When I called Ben at around 2:20, Ben said that they had picked up Amanda and were going to be leaving soon.

When it hit 3 AM, and they weren't home, I called again, since I hadn't heard anything. Ben then told me that they were just picking up Amanda and were going to be leaving. And that both he & Joe had had something to drink. I'm of course freaking out, because I know they shouldn't be driving, but they're going to anyway.

They wound up getting home safe. Thankful for that of course, but then everything went to hell.

I was pissed about the fact that Ben said they were leaving when they really hadn't, and about the fact that Joe drove even after he had been drinking. And I was vocal about it. And I said something to Joe. And we talked a bit, and he made some comment about when one of my other sisters was drunk, and something that happened. And her husband (you know, the one that wants a divorce) was in the bathroom brushing his teeth.

So he comes in and says something to Joe about not talking about Johannah like that.

Well then it turned into confrontation. They started going back and forth about how Joe needed to stop drinking, and then something about Adam needing to take responsibility for everything.

It was bad.

I eventually told them both to just stop talking. They kept arguing. I stood up between them, and told them to stop it and just let it be. Of course that didn't happen. And they kept going. And at one point, Joe got up like he was going to get physical with Adam, and I was between them, so I pushed him back.

Then my dad came downstairs.

And it got even worse. There was lots of yelling, and telling Joe that he needed to grow up with the whole drinking thing. And he should know better than to get in the car after drinking. Especially with other people in the car.

And of course Adam was being self-righteous at this point and talking about how he doesn't do that because there's alcoholism in his family. And my dad went off on him a bit about how he has a lot of growing up to do. Especially with what he's doing to my sister and niece and just this family in general.

Either way, at one point I was finally allowed to talk. And I just freaked about how I'm tired of playing parent to my older siblings and older members of this family. And how everyone needs to grow the freak up and start taking responsibility for their actions. In every sense.

It just kept going and going. Joe was "accomodating" as my mom said, and agreed with the things my father said. Not that it'll necessarily change anything.

Adam on the other hand just kept arguing and wouldn't back down from his ego. He walked away from my father at one point when my dad was talking to him. And then said "I don't walk away from things"

Really?

Your wife

Your daughter

Your job

This argument

just to name a few. he also had the gall to make it seem as though I was a bad sister because I didn't defend Johannah right away. Problem: He was in the bathroom and couldn't see my expression. I was going to say something, when he came in the room and started on Joe.

So yeah.

It was a pretty awful night. Right now I'm sitting on the couch with my mom. I was sobbing for a good 30 minutes. Horrible.

Not a good sign when a 19 year old feels like she's more mature at handling things than people in their late 20's through mid-30's.

I don't know how much more of all of this I can take. It's getting to the point where no one wants to deal with it. We've all been walking on eggshells around Adam, and this is pretty much where it broke for me. And I just got fed up with Joe and how reckless he can be.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep tonight, but I'm going to make an attempt. I just want it all to stop now. Or I'm going to to absolutely insane.

Experiencing firsthand the effects of divorce is awful... And it almost makes me want to not get married so there's never a chance I'll get divorced.

This night in one word?:

awful.