so apparently the way that i'm going to get my sleep schedule back up and running will be to just stay up.

i attempted to sleep, but it just didn't happen. there's a million and five things running through my head constantly, and i couldn't quiet any of them while i tried to sleep.

my dreams calmed down a bit after i was able to write in my journal. i think it's needless to say that the journal will be coming with me to camp. mostly for my own mental health. it seems that it's the best way for me to work things out and reason things out.

sometimes, i almost think i'm bipolar. i sometimes look at posts that i've done in the past, or even within my written journal and can't even fathom what i was thinking. and opinions have completely changed.

my feelings haven't though.

at least i'm consistent there i guess. i don't know what that'll be worth, but it's got to count for something, right? i want to go make myself a cup of coffee. i want to send a big long e-mail that says everything i'm thinking and how important i think it is that we be able to have a completely candid conversation with no risk of it ruining our friendship. because apparently, nothing has changed? i don't know, but there's been no change in the way that he responds to me when i text him or vice versa. so i'm just acting normally. no use in making things awkward if they don't have to be right?

i have one friend telling me that i should call him out on it and be like "hey, that was a jerk move" but i can't bring myself to do that when i'm pretty sure that me not being able to handle my life back in December wasn't the most pleasant thing in the world for him.

we leave on Monday though, so that should be good. and i've just realized that even though i'm leaving on tuesday, i'll get to hang out with her before i leave, and before he gets there. hmm, i hope that's not awkward. and that she doesn't talk about him, because i might be like "really, can we not?"

does she even know that there was something going on? and well, as far as i'm concerned and by the way that he's still been talking to me, there still is the possibility for something? i don't know. maybe that's just wishful thinking on my behalf. probably. things don't usually work out for me like that.

in any case, i guess i'll just have to live by the old adage that what's meant to be will always find a way.