so the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of being sick and miserable.

i know, sounds awesome, right?

i've been having bad headaches because the weather has been absolutely awful. culminating in one of the worst migraines of my life on Monday. it struck out of nowhere and stayed all night. complete with being sick until 6 AM.

amazing.

but at least i'm going down to South River today to see Kasia. that'll be a nice bit of relief. especially since i'll be able to take my mind off of all the craziness that's going on. and i know she'll let me sit there and complain about all the stuff that's been bugging the crap out of me for the past few weeks.

i'm waiting for camp with a lot of anticipation, and a pinch of worry. it's completely uncharacteristic for me to ever be worried about camp, but i am a bit. well, things will be what they'll be, and i'll just have to wait it out and see what comes of everything.

see, i had been tearing myself apart about the whole thing for awhile, but then i sat down and thought about what was going on. i was having these crazy vivid dreams about everything. about the summer and what may come of it, and even about things that i can't ever fathom happening. some of them were completely unrealistic, but when you're in such an emotionally altered state, pretty much anything seems possible. in any case, i kept blaming myself for everything, and finally i realized that it's not all my fault. yeah, i am partially to blame, and that can't be denied, and i wouldn't dream of it, but i'm not the only one at fault here. it's shared. and now that i've finally realized and processed that, i feel a bit more prepared for everything. i don't exactly know what i mean by that, but i guess mentally, i feel like i can deal with whatever may come a bit more than before.

let's be honest, back in december, i was terrified. there were a million things going wrong in my life, and i felt like it wasn't fair to say "yes, i'll be in a relationship with you" when i knew that my life was falling to pieces at that point. i basically had a nervous breakdown with everything going on. and well, as much as i wish i could have said something different then, i know that it wouldn't have been right to. but i think that the thing i would have done differently would be to tell him why, and to articulate my feelings more clearly.

i am way too logical for this kind of stuff. do you see the words i'm typing? "articulate my feelings"... THIS is why i'm such a loser hah

so in any case, i'm excited for the summer. i'm ready to go up to Canada to do mission work, and then I'm ready for camp. i'm ready to have an amazing time. and i'm ready to have fun. and to just be with my friends and well, yeah. come what may i guess.

and how about this song. how appropriate is it for the subject content and to the fact that i'm writing in a journal! hah oh iTunes, it's like you KNOW!