i actually WANT to write a bucket list. it's something i'll get around to i know. I'd stop going to school probably and concentrate all of my time and effort into on stage endeavors and writing. i'd sit down at the piano everyday and pour my heart into music. i'd spend time with friends and family, and do my best to realize my dreams. i'd tell everyone how i feel about them, and be honest. i'd rather leave an impression on someone (even if it's telling them that i see them in a negative light) than have them speculate about me or my opinions. i'd love and live with every fiber of my being.

so i haven't really been able to concentrate the past week or two.

it's awful i know. it's that point where i've lost interest in school and have started to become bored with the subject material. i just don't have the motivation to get things done that i want to get done. and i miss everyone so much. encounter is next weekend though, so i'll get to see lots of people! :)

halloween is this weekend! and well, i'm not a big halloween person, but there's some tradition that goes along with it... like watching movies... you know, Rock Horror Picture Show, Quackbusters, It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, and a few other things. so my weekend is somewhat planned out.

i'm actually pretty tired, so i think i'll be getting to sleep. after studying for Bio, and then writing out my script for my ASL midterm.

i miss my friends who are all at least 75 miles away. it saddens me.

but then seeing them makes me all the happier :)

who knows at this point?

it's nearly 5 AM, and i'm no closer to getting to sleep now than I was when i laid down nearly 4 hours ago. i'm at a weird point in my life... i used the word "apex" originally, but i don't think that was quite the word.

i'm not really sure where anything is going at this point. general anxiety is the worst thing in the world to me, because i can't pinpoint what's wrong. so i can't fix it. and if i can't fix it, how am i supposed to feel better?

this year has been absolutely up and down. there's been a lot missing from things, and a lot of things that are falling into place. i know that not everything will happen at once, and not everything is going to work out the way that you plan it, but sometimes, i just want a sign that i'm not totally screwing up everything in my life.

i love the term catharsis.

it's what i need.

being on stage always gave me this outlet where i could channel all the negative emotions i was feeling in order to get them out of my system and completely clear out things that i didn't want to deal with. i've taken to writing, but sometimes, that's just not physical enough of an expression of emotion for me. i want to sing until my lungs feel as though they want to burst and dance until my muscles ache.

i can't sleep at night because things just run through my head. i can't stop hearing things over and over again. i try to get everything out, write it down before i go to sleep if i can feel it's going to be one of those nights, but that's not always enough. it's started to work less and less. i need to start moving again. walk around the park? i don't know, something. something that will make me feel less stagnant and make me feel like i'm doing something with my life.

i'm sure that something will come along with my class that starts in, oh a little less than 6 hours. and the wake up in about 4 and a half.

you know what i just started typing?

"i don't know why i do this to myself..."

and i didn't know how to finish the sentence. because, well, am i doing it to myself? i must be, there must be something short circuiting in my brain that won't let me just go with the flow. and i wish sometimes that i could just fix that connection. i want to be carefree sometimes, and not worry about things the way i do. it can't be healthy. how does one stop doing that?

is that something that you make a conscious effort to do?

does it then backfire and you worry about worrying too much?

it's just a vicious cycle that i fear i'm not any good at breaking.

if anyone has any tips, please let me know. i'm all ears.

know what else would be good?

just letting go. letting things happen, and not standing in their way. i'm my own worst enemy that way sometimes. and it's time to quit it.

let's hope that's possible.

i can't even answer this question. my mind is racing in 5 million different directions, and i can't make sense of any of it. does that count as a worry?

that's what my life is like right about now... and ellipsis.

i have somewhat of an idea what's coming afterward and how the next part of the story will begin, but not for certain. it's hard. i don't like living in that way. not knowing what's next.

camp was a blast, but sad at the same time. it was just a bittersweet summer all around. there's no other way to explain it. the fact that Father is leaving made it harder for us as a staff to keep everything concealed, but i think we did a pretty good job.

ben is currently playing a Star Wars game on Wii. Really, would you expect anything else? Will and I are working things out. He and Michelle aren't together anymore, but i guess the breakup was rocky. to be honest, i don't know much of the details, just generalizations of things that were said. i think that's something that's between the two of them. if he wants to talk to me about it, he can, but i wasn't a part of that relationship. i feel kinda crappy about it, you know? i don't like that for one relationship to start, another has to end, especially if it isn't amicably. it's frustrating because you sit here and think that this is what you want (and i do, that hasn't changed) but when it happens at the expense of other people, it just really sucks. and makes you feel like crap.

amanda is being annoying and talking to me while i'm trying to type. she's talking about movies and which one to watch. honestly? i couldn't care less.

i want to take a shower, and sleep for like 3 days. but i have to make some kind of dent in my room so that Sarah & Joe have a place to sleep this weekend. we're hopefully going down the shore, even if it's just for a day.

all i know is that things are complicated right now, but hopefully things will be worked out soon. i don't know how much more of these complications i can take.

ugh

so it's technically monday the 6th, meaning i'm technically leaving for Camp today!!!

it's usually impossible for me to sleep the day before leaving for camp. last year i absolutely passed out because i was so exhausted. i basically finished packing excepts for a few things that i can't pack until the morning. i'm thinking it's doubtful that i'll get any quality sleep tonight. and that's okay, because i'll read, and i'll probably stay awake in the car due to coffee and helping Ben stay awake (even though he's been asleep for quite some time now). and then i'll be able to sleep tomorrow night, er, Monday night. whatever you consider that, today or tomorrow. in any case, that'll be necessary since i'll have to wake up on Tuesday to do the whole breakfast thing and then be ready to be picked up from Camp around noon for Canada. and then it's MORE time in the car.

it's like i love punishing myself.

but at least there will be a good amount of people in the car, and as far as i know, there's not anyone i don't like hahah. so yeah.

Camp always has this kind of serene effect on me. While at the same time, it's amazingly stimulating. The people and just the experiences that I associate with Camp are some of the dearest things for me. I know I've made friends that will stay my friends forever. it's gonna be a bittersweet summer, but i'm not going to let things bum me out. even though after this summer i know Camp will probably be different, i'm not going to let that fact effect a great summer.

I'm also hopeful about this Mission Trip. I mean, it's gonna be a great way to clear my head and just think. Maybe sneak away for a few minutes and write in my journal and just meditate on everything going on in my life right now. there are so many things swimming around in my head that i can never reason out or even really think about intently because there's always something going on. a phone ringing, or an e-mail to answer, or something to do around the house. and Camp offers an escape from all of that. and i'm going to assume that the Mission is going to let you leave a lot of that behind to. as much as people are so dependent on technology (myself included) it's great to just get away from it. No tv, one computer with a decent connection where you can check your e-mail once a day if you're extremely lucky, and shoddy cell reception unless you're up on the railroad ties, or maybe on the top bunk in a counselor's room if you're lucky and at the top of the hill. but i don't mind nearly as much as a lot of other people would. it's nice to get away from it and be almost unreachable.

it gives you a little bit of your life back i think.

maybe that's another reason why camp is so refreshing. i'm able to get out of the "real" world. the world of busy streets and bustling people and just listen to nature and the sounds of everything.

i probably sound insane, but i'm in that zone where i'm tired but can't sleep, so you tend to rant about things that might not make sense to other people.

i'm going to read for a bit, before attempting to sleep again.

it'll be quite some time until i write again, seeing as i'll be gone until around August 10th. it's time to take a break from everything.

so apparently the way that i'm going to get my sleep schedule back up and running will be to just stay up.

i attempted to sleep, but it just didn't happen. there's a million and five things running through my head constantly, and i couldn't quiet any of them while i tried to sleep.

my dreams calmed down a bit after i was able to write in my journal. i think it's needless to say that the journal will be coming with me to camp. mostly for my own mental health. it seems that it's the best way for me to work things out and reason things out.

sometimes, i almost think i'm bipolar. i sometimes look at posts that i've done in the past, or even within my written journal and can't even fathom what i was thinking. and opinions have completely changed.

my feelings haven't though.

at least i'm consistent there i guess. i don't know what that'll be worth, but it's got to count for something, right? i want to go make myself a cup of coffee. i want to send a big long e-mail that says everything i'm thinking and how important i think it is that we be able to have a completely candid conversation with no risk of it ruining our friendship. because apparently, nothing has changed? i don't know, but there's been no change in the way that he responds to me when i text him or vice versa. so i'm just acting normally. no use in making things awkward if they don't have to be right?

i have one friend telling me that i should call him out on it and be like "hey, that was a jerk move" but i can't bring myself to do that when i'm pretty sure that me not being able to handle my life back in December wasn't the most pleasant thing in the world for him.

we leave on Monday though, so that should be good. and i've just realized that even though i'm leaving on tuesday, i'll get to hang out with her before i leave, and before he gets there. hmm, i hope that's not awkward. and that she doesn't talk about him, because i might be like "really, can we not?"

does she even know that there was something going on? and well, as far as i'm concerned and by the way that he's still been talking to me, there still is the possibility for something? i don't know. maybe that's just wishful thinking on my behalf. probably. things don't usually work out for me like that.

in any case, i guess i'll just have to live by the old adage that what's meant to be will always find a way.

so the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of being sick and miserable.

i know, sounds awesome, right?

i've been having bad headaches because the weather has been absolutely awful. culminating in one of the worst migraines of my life on Monday. it struck out of nowhere and stayed all night. complete with being sick until 6 AM.

amazing.

but at least i'm going down to South River today to see Kasia. that'll be a nice bit of relief. especially since i'll be able to take my mind off of all the craziness that's going on. and i know she'll let me sit there and complain about all the stuff that's been bugging the crap out of me for the past few weeks.

i'm waiting for camp with a lot of anticipation, and a pinch of worry. it's completely uncharacteristic for me to ever be worried about camp, but i am a bit. well, things will be what they'll be, and i'll just have to wait it out and see what comes of everything.

see, i had been tearing myself apart about the whole thing for awhile, but then i sat down and thought about what was going on. i was having these crazy vivid dreams about everything. about the summer and what may come of it, and even about things that i can't ever fathom happening. some of them were completely unrealistic, but when you're in such an emotionally altered state, pretty much anything seems possible. in any case, i kept blaming myself for everything, and finally i realized that it's not all my fault. yeah, i am partially to blame, and that can't be denied, and i wouldn't dream of it, but i'm not the only one at fault here. it's shared. and now that i've finally realized and processed that, i feel a bit more prepared for everything. i don't exactly know what i mean by that, but i guess mentally, i feel like i can deal with whatever may come a bit more than before.

let's be honest, back in december, i was terrified. there were a million things going wrong in my life, and i felt like it wasn't fair to say "yes, i'll be in a relationship with you" when i knew that my life was falling to pieces at that point. i basically had a nervous breakdown with everything going on. and well, as much as i wish i could have said something different then, i know that it wouldn't have been right to. but i think that the thing i would have done differently would be to tell him why, and to articulate my feelings more clearly.

i am way too logical for this kind of stuff. do you see the words i'm typing? "articulate my feelings"... THIS is why i'm such a loser hah

so in any case, i'm excited for the summer. i'm ready to go up to Canada to do mission work, and then I'm ready for camp. i'm ready to have an amazing time. and i'm ready to have fun. and to just be with my friends and well, yeah. come what may i guess.

and how about this song. how appropriate is it for the subject content and to the fact that i'm writing in a journal! hah oh iTunes, it's like you KNOW!

i saw "The Hangover" and uhm, it was pretty much the most hilarious thing of my life... for serious...

"not you, fat Jesus!"

i've only really officially lived in NJ, where i live now...

i lived in a dorm in Syracuse for a total of three days... so i don't think that really counts...

i do believe that living at Camp Nazareth counts though! i'll be living there for a month once again this summer...

and i hope that i'll be living in East Stroudsburg come this fall :)

i must admit that i am a huge star wars fan... no joke...

star trek, i actually did watch on TV sometimes, when it would run on repeats... and i saw the movie & thought it was pretty awesome (and i mean, the guys were hot too, so that was a plus)

so i actually like them both... but if forced to choose, it would be star wars, no doubt.

can i still have chris pine, though?

yep... i rejected someone's apology because they didn't mean it... and they were only apologizing because someone told them they had to... i told him i knew it wasn't genuine, and that i'd rather he just be cordial to me, and not try to be friends with me just because he was dating a friend of mine... although said apologizer and i had not gotten along for, well, our entire lives... so i told him the apology was fake and would rather he not do that again...

he sucks.

i don't think that i can even answer that question... my mother has told me before that i don't remember things well because i have the lyrics to too many songs in my head... and it's true... i love music, so i know about a million songs by heart... you don't even want me to try to name them... the list could go on forever

so today, i made the first step towards cleaning my room... and by that, i mean taking all of the letters that contained my audition times and scholarship information from those schools and putting them through the shredder...

i feel much better now.

i got the one final i actually had to worry about out of the way this afternoon... and i think i did pretty well... in any case, i have two finals left... plus three days of work... then awards night, bank night for Relay, PTK dinner, and graduation!

oh yeah, for graduation i need to get on that whole, writing a speech because i was chosen as student representative... don't know how that happened...

anyway, that's something i've gotta get on... it feels nice not really worrying about finals though... i'm gonna start reading my music theory book soon...

i'm also gonna do some writing of the non-graduation speech variety. because i've had something running around in my head for a few days now... and i need to write it out, or it'll be there forever... i keep just coming up with random snippets of stories, no real cohesive story line... maybe i should stick to writing short stories?

well it's time for jeopardy!

i'm a bit upset because i came in for my last dance class this AM... my 9 AM dance class... and found a note on the door cancelling the class... meaning i woke up early for nothing

ugh

and i have work at 11, so it left me with just enough time to get nothing done... i'm sure i could be studying my astronomy book so that I actually have the chapter read for my quiz tonight, but i don't have the concentration level to study this early in the morning. therefore, i'm on the computer, writing here!

feel lucky.

so as much as i was like, "oh most of my schoolwork was due not this week" that doesn't mean that i don't have a ridiculous amount of stuff to do.

i filled in my May calendar on my white board, and pretty much wanted to stab myself in the eye with everything that was written on there... Relay for Life is what's gonna eat up my time for the most part.

i also have a friend who i'm pretty sure is pissed at me, but i can't find it in me to stress about it, because i don't feel i'm wrong at all... and when i felt that she got offended by what i said, i made sure that i clarified that what was said wasn't meant to offend... it's just that well, you're underage, so you can't drink in the room because some people staying there would lose their jobs if you got caught... and you can't be all smoky in the room because i have asthma and it makes my headaches worse.

sorry that your bad habits are... well... bad.

and i was even like, hey, whatever you do in NOT the room is whatever you do... it's called covering your butt... i think it's because i was able to kind of hash it out and get someone else's opinion on the situation, and it was the same as my own... so i don't feel as much like i'm just whining about things i don't like... instead it's kind of validated.

i think i'm gonna need more coffee to get through this day... i think i'll just go to the cafeteria on campus though instead of going to dunkin donuts because that would require walking to the edge of nowhere to get my car and then driving off campus... and then finding parking - probably at the edge of nowhere once again - and walking back.. by that time, it would probably be time for work... and that means no coffee.

so the cafeteria it will be.

you know, once i get the energy and drive to get my butt up from the computer in the library.

ugh, i forgot to bring that book in for the receptionist that i said i would... i suck... i'll have to drop it off tomorrow or somethin- there's no class tomorrow.

crap.

maybe she planned on stopping in tomorrow though, i'm not sure if the ALC is open or not... we're closed for basic skills testing, so there's no thursday classes.

there is the honors roundtable though... i e-mailed my abstract to the director for the booklet, but he didn't get back to me, so i'm hoping he got it... i hope i don't show up tomorrow and it's like "oh hey, i didn't get that."


also, what's up with my sister making me want to scream?

okay, so that's nothing new but- here's the deal. yesterday was cinco de mayo, so she went out with friends (read: sorority sisters, and possibly the guy she's been talking to). we left the porch light on because as far as we knew, she was coming home, but at almost 3 am, she still wasn't, so my mom had me text her... and she didn't get back to me... i ended up falling asleep like everyone else in the house...

she sends me a text at SIX IN THE MORNING saying that she told my dad she would only call if she WAS coming home last night... and that she just got my text... i wanted to be like WTF were you doing that you didn't look at your phone for 3 hours, because that doesn't happen... but i decided against it... mostly because i was still exhausted... and then this morning she had the baby and i was running late for class - well at least i thought i was.

it's like, really, you were out until 6:30 in the morning... and you're gonna go back to sleep as soon as my brother-in-law gets there to watch the baby , meaning you'll sleep all day... and then be like "i don't understand why i can't sleep at night"... which is the root of SO MANY problems in the house...

she can't sleep, so she's tired when she has to watch the baby in the morning... which leads her to whine that she has to watch the baby... listen, she should be glad that she has something to do, especially since Jo pays her to watch the baby... she could just expect it, but she doesn't, she pays her... and well Amanda, you don't have a job... and the economy is bad, so it's not like there's a plethora of jobs anyway...

and then she complains about the fact that she watches the baby instead of my dad... and gets angry when my dad goes back to bed, or when he - who has chronic back pain, and injured his back earlier in the year - takes something for his back and can't watch her... then she complains to me as i'm trying to get out the door in the morning...

i wanted to tell her to just shutup on monday when he had to take painkillers that made him drowsy, she had to watch gillian which led to her interpreting a note he left as him being rude, when i saw nothing rude about it.

instead i just said "i don't want to hear it, i'm running late"

and walked out the door.

i'm sure that won me lots of points, because you know, i care at this point. okay, well i'm gonna go get myself some coffee and maybe do some reading in the commons while i still have time before i have to deal with people attempting to write papers...

some people just need minor help with stuff, and that i don't mind so much... you know, showing them how to do the in-text citation... and maybe fixing a typo... but when you come into the library with a paper that has horrible grammar errors and i'm underlining just about every verb reminding you to keep a consistent tense... and you have countless spelling errors... and oh man, there was a girl that came in yesterday that didn't understand the concept of the bibliography and the whole "you have to cite EVERY source you use, not just the ones you WANT to use" and she couldn't put a bibliography together...

now i'll admit that i ususally use EasyBib to put mine together, because there's a million different types of sources that you can use, but she just kind of listed information at the end, and then when i was like "you used an online database, this is the format you need to use" she looked at me like i was insane... and kept saying things like "i can't remember where i got that quote from... i don't remember what article that information is from... how am i supposed to know?" i was like.. YOU WROTE IT, you should know... but of course i can't get angry, so i was just like, "this is why you have to cite as you go along."

and then she wanted me to re-proofread her paper... i was like "no, i did it once already and pointed out where your errors are."

and she was one of those people that wanted me to fix the things... i was like "i cannot do that" she tried to argue with me... and i was like "oh hey, read the list of things that English tutors DO NOT do... correct your papers."

so that was aggravating... and she was the only person that came to my table yesterday... i know of at least two people who are coming today... one for history for sure, and another for a research paper... i've worked with them both before, so it should be okay... hopefully the stray morons will stay away.

so the end of the semester is drawing near.

amazingly, most of my stuff seemed to be due in the two weeks before the last two weeks of classes. so i didn't have all that much to do this week. i just have astronomy left to actually worry about actually. i have a quiz tomorrow and have to do one more lab... then i just have finaaaaals

dance final: should be easy enough... it's open book and i just have to go through and highlight stuff.

astronomy final: open book and notes... it'll require reading another chapter in just a few days as opposed to a week like i usually have... but i'll deal.

government final: oh hey! open notes & book! and he gives us all the questions ahead of time, so i just have to get my notes together beforehand so i'm organized.

computer final: this tends to be a bit more sucky because there's technical terms involved... so you know the stuff, but not the proper terminology. luckily, the test is administered on the computer... online... and the notes for the chapters are online, so yeah.

honors roundtable: actually on this thursday... i submitted my abstract for my final project for my honors class... so it'll be discussed at the roundtable... fun.

other than that, i'm DONE

then there's Awards Night on the 18th... Bank Night for Relay and the PTK Dinner on the 19th... and then Graduation on the 20th!

i found out today that I got Who's Who... don't ask me what that is... i just know that it's an award.. i'll elaborate when i can... and I got an A on my government paper... so woo hooo to that one...

i still don't know about graduation speaker... it'd be nice to know so i could you know, actually write my whole speech if i had to... who knows

in any case, i'm gonna try to sleep now... so i'm alive for dance and then work tomorrow... followed by studying... yaaaaay!

tomorrow is gonna be the longest day ever.

and right now is one of those times that you just want to rant about a million different things... but i'm just too tired to do it... ugh.

but nathan lane is on letterman so yaaaay! :)

so it's getting to that point in the year when i start to slowly go insane. let's do the list again shall we?

- Astronomy Exam #2
- Dance Evaluation Paper (4/20)
- Government Term Paper (4/30)
- Honors Seminar Final Project (4/23)
- Planetarium Visit #2
- Laaaaaaabs for Astronomy
- Decide where I'm going to college


That's all i can think of at the moment, but i'm sure there's more. and it's Holy Week, so it's not like I'm going to have time to get any of that done right now. well i'm going to see a dance performance on saturday that i'll be doing my evaluation on, since you know, it's due monday. and i'm going to get a massage on wednesday :) yaaaay!

also, my astronomy exam is tomorrow, and i totally didn't start studying until tonight, when i remembered the whole astronomy exam situation. at least it's open book. so after all of that, i'll come home, go to church, and then go back to school for the Planetary Distances Walk so that I get more Lab Credit. i also have to actually start paying attention to what i'm reading when i read for astronomy. the information just goes right out of my brain.

at least i'm having fun in dance... and work hasn't been that bad... one of the girls i tutor in history actually came in and was like "i just want to say thanks for helping me study because i got a 100 on my test!" she was an EOF student and was totally psyched, so i was psyched too hahah

ahhh, well i have to get to sleep so that i'm at least partially awake for dance class tomorrow.... all i know is it's gonna be a long day... dance at 9 AM, then work from 11-2, astronomy exam starting at 2:30 PM, fasting from 4 PM, church at 7, and then back to school for a lab at 8:40... i have to squeeze in studying at some point, which will be the half hour from dance until work, at any spare moment during my shift at the library and then the half hour i have until my exam starts... then i'll just be doing other work when i'm home... since i can't eat after 4 PM... ugh

well, tuesday is the only night this week when i don't have church... and my thursday night class (honors seminar) is cancelled this week so we can work on our projects... but i'll be spending it at church... well at least tuesday will be a bit less hectic...

hopefully

ever sitting down and all of a sudden you get inexplicably dizzy?

that's what just happened to me.

it was majorly bizarre.

so today was another long day... i think i only have long days at this point in time. i want to take a 24 hour nap. but that's just not humanly possible. at least i don't have to go to class or work tomorrow. i do have to sing a funeral though. at least i don't have to wake up at 8 AM though.

i just went to a Relay for Life team captain's meeting. got a lot of info to bring back to the chapter on Thursday at our meeting. hopefully i'll actually have some time to talk and get things done, rather than there being excessive talk about another event... i mean, i'm not saying that it's a bad thing, there's a lot of planning that needs done, but not everyone understands the parameters, that's why i tried to keep out of it for the most part. i've helped where i can, but i feel like it's overshadowing a lot of the other things going on. and there needs to be fairness in discussion. it just gets a little frustrating sometimes when we talk about that for 30 or 40 minutes, and then there's only 20 minutes left to cover everything else on the agenda. it's getting a little out of hand.

other than that, i've been doing schoolwork. okay that might be a bit of a lie. i've been thinking about doing schoolwork, but the amount i've actually gotten done is definetly questionable.

i have been on a writing kick though, so that could explain the lack of schoolwork productivity. another one of those random scenes that has popped into my head and won't stop nagging at my brain. i started writing yesterday, and then wrote through most of government class... okay all of government class... and then during my shift today when there was no one at my table, which was basically the entire time.

but there's a point i'm getting stuck on. i've re-written it a few times, but i'm sure it'll come together. at least i get to watch dancing with the stars tonight, and then hopefully i'll get some work done.

ugh i'm sleepy.

so i can now talk about the whole "not getting into any of my schools and having to utilize the backup plan" situation without getting upset.

i just say it matter of factly if someone asks me about it, and then i tell them i'll either be at Kean or East Stroudsburg for Speech Therapy with either a Double Major or a Minor in Theatre. And I haven't started researching yet, but I'm going to find out what has to be done in order to get an equity card. I know i have to do work at approved theatres, but i don't know exactly how much work, or if there's a certain kind, or how many "points" i have to earn. so yeah.

that's my plan for now. and hopefully it'll stay my plan for awhile.